In the Dark—Solstice 2012

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The absence of alcohol seems to be creating a sense of vulnerability within me. Perhaps drinking helped cover this sensation, boosting my self-esteem and helping me to quiet the self-loathing voice inside.  Several days in the last month I have felt really sad and tired, leaving work at the end of the day in tears.

I am currently moderating the inner debate—to climb the “ladder of success” or be more focused on finding creative fulfillment on the job. Looking for an alternative work situation opens me up to a greater sense of vulnerability. Trying to put my best face forward, I ask myself if I am “good enough.” The confident side of me wants to lead me to a higher paying job with more responsibility and room for growth. The side of me that is feeling vulnerable (and dominant) is asking for me to stop pushing. The “doing” and the “being” are at battle. All the while, my inner voice is defeating me.

Now, having come down with a cold just before Christmas, there is a layer of physical weakness as well. Going, going, going all week diminished my energy and robbed me of a sense of connection with my guests when they arrived on the solstice. We opened many bottles of expensive wines and polished off a bottle of Hendrick’s gin. Of course, I did not partake, which added to the feeling of being outside of the fun. On the upside, being sick did dampen my desire for drinking. (Although admittedly, I felt quite a pull the first night the martinis got mixed.) Knowing myself, I am sure that any other time, I would have thrown back a few drinks and felt worse for it. And THAT is my problem—knowing what is good for me and taking the opposite action. Having the commitment to observing what happens when I don’t drink has helped me to feel better about myself in that regard.

As for the struggles and vulnerability, I will have to get through the dark and see what lies on the other side of this experiment. In the New Year, I plan to take a more sensible approach to finding a new job and with that, I will give attention to the opposing forces. I know that there is a way through this and that feeling and acknowledging all voices will help me find the truth and a better direction

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