Memories and imagination
Are powerful enemies
Todays and tomorrows
I run to you
July 2, 2013
I first put up this post as a nod to my sister. We used to spend hours in the car with my son, Sam traveling to Portland, Maine to see our brother, Richie. As a way to pass the time, the three of us would write these little poems which we called the “name game.” Using the letters of a family member’s name, we would compose a single-stanza verse about that person. It was a lot of fun and helped to pass the time with a young person in the car.
Recently, I used this exercise as a way to express something difficult churning within me. As I read this entry over and over and let it live on the blog, I decided that I was brave enough to explain the reason for writing it.
It is often difficult for me when my husband travels. Spending years as a single parent (well over a decade), I am often surprised at the feelings of insecurity and lack of sturdiness that arise when Philip is away. Keeping myself busy during the day and having a cocktail or two at night help to calm the turbulence of the internal dialogue. Libations in the evening also help settle me at bedtime. Being alone in our house feels a bit scary to me at night.
During this particular period of solitude (Philip was in California for work), I became completely steeped in feelings that I have not experienced in a long time; fear of abandonment, distrust, anger and suspicion. This is dark and dirty stuff. So false, yet when engaged with these emotions, it is impossible to clear the mind. Recognizing that these are feelings based on past experiences, I tried logically to reconcile what is real and what is imagined.
This entry was my attempt to get the voice out of my head and on to paper–to make sense of what was happening inside. Once Philip arrive home, the feelings became more intermittent and eventually a state of balance returned.