As stated in the first blog entry, I have been struggling with trying to come to terms with my use of alcohol. Lately, I have at least one drink a day. It goes like this..I come home from work and open a bottle of wine and pour one or two glasses before the night is through. At least one night a week it is a martini instead.
If I am going to be honest (and I am), it is because I feel (most of the time) numb/frustrated/bored from the work that I do. I am coming to realize that “cube life” is not for me. So I pour a drink and relax and feel my mood altered by this action. I like the feeling of having this buzz and have come to know it well.
Looking to the dictionary, I seek definition of my condition. For months I have told myself this is just a bad habit and everyone has at least one bad habit. Yet, there are nights (and mornings–feeling a little pasty) when I tell myself I am going to stop or cut back and yet the next day…I change nothing. That is where the guilt sets in. Why don’t I have more will power? Do I have a problem?
I consult the online dictionary to try to answer this question.
#1 Addiction- A compulsive* need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful
#2 Habit- A behavior pattern acquired by frequent repetition or physiologic exposure that shows itself in regularity or increased facility of performance
* an irresistible persistent impulse to perform an act
So do I fall under definition #1 or #2? I don’t think I know yet. I need more time to observe the call to alcohol when the “fun” of this self-indulgent blog wears off and the idea of no longer drinking is no longer novel. I look forward to experiencing the pangs (ha ha) and all of the stuff that comes with this exercise in restraint.